Whew, I finally said it aloud.
I met a stranger a few weeks ago and we were talking about
some things I do and some things I don’t do OR HAVE, and their immediate
response was,
“So, you push people
away? That has to be what you’re doing.” -A (real, opinionated, and unsolicited)
stranger…
you never know!
However, all I heard was, “GYC Girl…YOU have a fear
of commitment.”
A Fear of missing out on the ‘better’… if you take
what’s currently being offered.
Hmmmm…WHEW!!
However, I will admit that for a while I have compared my
desire to getaway and travel to me being flaky, a BIG FLAKE, in need of a break and
wanting to frolic around without a true care… as a quick response to why I am
wherever I am, and not going wherever I’m not going.
At the time,
I needed this pressure-less lifestyle. Saying that ‘I’m flaky’ allowed me to
view everything as temporary and not create connections that I had no interest
in creating. If I may…it was my attempt at being unappealing to the public!
phahahahaha
For so long, I have admired my own patience in
waiting for what God has for me and deepening my level of compassion for a
variety of situations… but at this point, I can truthfully say…
that not every time was the right move. Not every action was the right amount
of effort!
This is a safe space, right???
Now, let me just say this…to anyone that may have been
caught in the crossfire…BE IT ME or anyone like me in your life… this
DOES NOT RELATE TO US LOWERING OUR STANDARDS OR
dismissing connections that considered us desperate enough to just take
whatever we can get.
NO! Okay, not YOU!!
I’m speaking to areas of our lives where we considered ourselves people that could see into the future and realize THIS THING was not for us…and maybe, just maybe, we were wrong! Possibly? No judgement only revelation and healing here!!
For example, I’d start something and pause… because I knew
it would take more of me than I was willing to give, or toy with something that
could be serious because I didn’t see the potential in the situation. Something
along the lines of growing into something and feeling STUCK. I’ve always needed
to KNOW, I could escape.
Quick funny but TRUE story
After my childhood
friend and I graduated from college and moved back home, they said to me, “so
YOU feel like if you don’t unpack your suitcases you’re not actually here?” My
response, ‘phahaha BASICALLY!! Mentally I’m still in NYC… that’s the goal so if
I stay ready, I won’t have to get ready. Seems logical to me!’
If you’ve read GYC Girl YOU Crazy before, you know that I am
the Queen of the Process and we’ve discussed many of this before! I’ve just
never admitted that ‘I have commitment issues (emphasis on
ISSUES)’, to myself or anyone else. However, I must say, this is definitely
something you want someone to figure out for themselves…if YOU want us to change!
I saw this meme about how you’ll meet the
same person repeatedly until you learn the lesson. I feel like this stranger (I met a few
weeks ago) is maybe the 3rd or 4th, or even the 5th
person that brings out these thoughts, but I’ve never came to this conclusion
and wanted to CHANGE. Everyone else I just thought ‘WELP…I wish them well on
their journey! If you don’t see it my way, then… Bye!’
Let me explain…
Anytime I told 1 significant person from my
past about something potentially ‘better’ being nearby and that we should go or
participate... they would always respond with a blank stare, “SO…”
I
never could get myself to believe that wherever this person is, was the better
place to be.
At
the time, I felt like I was TOO cute and blessed to be at the ‘lesser’ event…
 |
| A little over 10 years ago... like 12 (I've been waiting to show this for a couple years, proud moment)! |
And had to move on with my life! I couldn’t
see myself happy and growing with someone that potentially had the option for
better but just wanted to BE where we were.
Years later, reflecting and I realize
that even if I thought better was nearby, “let’s just go,” better is and was
wherever WE are, wherever we’re planting, watering, and nurturing.
You can’t satisfy a person that doesn’t
think better, or best is with YOU, no matter the season you’re both in. Any
kind of relationship or connection if you think about it!
That person could not satisfy me because I
did not understand and didn’t want to…this is years later. I get it, kind of,
well sort of, I’m working on it!
We have commitment issues because we
can’t choose, well, we can but we refuse to choose. Something in our past
that we have yet to process (go get my book, trust!), understand and heal from
is keeping our decisions guarded from things that we don’t know we want or need
without any doubt about it, or are willing to risk it all and trust that even
if we fall, we’re still better than when and where we started.
Indecisiveness is our brand because being
in control of ourselves and not giving anyone or thing full access to help us
grow without us knowing is scary.
This
is still a safe space, right??? Right. Okay!
It’s crazy… I don’t have any dusty regrets
(*in my Tony Baker voice), but I never would have imagined that years later, so
many years later that this person I no longer know is still teaching me things.
I’m almost done…
BUT…
I just want to say that YOU could be the
answer to someone’s prayer…YEARS LATER AND DON’T HAVE TO KNOW THEM OR even know
you were the answer. There are levels to God answering your prayer deeper than YOU prayed and better than YOU expected!!
Let the church say, AMEN!
Alright, I’ll end with this…
Knowing that you are a flake and admitting you have
commitment issues are not the same thing… One wishes to dismiss and the other ACTUALLY
wants to change or be presented with the opportunity to change.
So let me rephrase, I’m WORKING THROUGH my commitment
issues. I’m really trying. But in the spirit of transparency…saying Forget
this is a struggle to suppress.
GYC Girl… What do you want?
What do you need?
How much do you need?
How much do you want?
*Remember, YOU can adjust as YOU go…because while YOU may
have commitment issues…God doesn’t! And if you think you’ve missed your chance
but you’re still alive…TRUST THAT WHAT IS FOR YOU WILL CIRCLE BACK.
If I’m meant to be in your life (any kind of way) … be
patient with me!
xxoxo
See you around the world somewhere,
GYC Girl YOU
Crazy aka Ms. Lauren Alicia
*PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS POST THAT
SHOULD SUGGEST TO ANYONE THAT I AM TRYING TO ‘HOLLA AT’ OR MAKE A MOVE ON
ANYBODY, NO MA’AM, NO SIR! THIS IS ALL FOR HEALING PURPOSES. Be well!
